Nell Jones loved being a mother, but she was glad when her three children were grown. Widowed and remarried, she was ready to have some time for herself. Yet when Nell's daughter, Mandy, was nineteen, problems began. Mandy went for walks and got lost. She got in fights. She even began hearing voices that weren't there. Mandy had mental illness, the doctors said. She also was pregnant. If Mandy knew who the father was, she wasn't telling. Nell and her husband Jim soon realized that, if Mandy's child was to stay in the family, it was up to them.
If you like Nell, are raising one or more grandchildren, you're not alone. Today, nearly a million families in the U.S. are made up of grandparents raising their grandchildren. In fact, almost one child in twenty lives in a home headed by a grandparent, without the parents there. Some grandparents have the legal status of foster parents, while others have legal cutody of their grandchildren. Some have no legal status at all -- at least until a problem arises.
There have always been grandparents raising grandchildren. Sometimes, this is so the parents can work or go to school. More often it's because the parents are having drug or other serious problems.
According to the American Association of Retired Persons, these are the most common reasons grandparents need to care for their grandchildren:
Raising grandchildren can be stressful, but at least you've had more practice than when you were raising your own children. With time, you may find you have strengths you never knew you had.
HELPING YOUR GRANDCHILDREN TO UNDERSTAND THEIR PARENTS.
Making peace with the children's parents may be one of your biggest challenges. No matter how many ways they've fallen short, they are still important to your grandchildren. If you can help your grandchildren keep something positive in their lives from their parents, it's a big help to them. This means:
Setting limits. If a parent shows up drunk or high and wants to take your grandchild for a ride, it's not okay. The child's safety must come first.
Encouraging the good. If there are ways that your grandchildren can safely spend time with a parent -- for example, at your home or another relative's -- this will be a big help to the children.
Allowing a child to grieve. If a parent has died, gone away, or behaved in a hurtful way, your grandchildren will have feelings of sadness and anger. Try to let them know that these feelings are natural and even healthy. Most children can benefit from counseling to help with these painful feelings.
Being creative. If a parent is in jail, you can help your grandchild write letters and send pictures. If a parent has died, you could help make a scrapbook with pictures and memories.
Being an example. It's natural to feel angry toward the parents, but harsh words in front of your grandchildren will only hurt them. Try to explain the parents' problems as kindly as you can, and to find something -- anything -- good you can truthfully say. Raising grandchildren can be very hard, but it also has its joys. True, you can't send your grandchildren home Sunday night and get your rest. But if you did, you'd never see that Monday morning smile, or hear the Tuesday laughter, or feel the Friday night hug.
If you're doing the important work of raising your grandchild, you deserve help, friendship and support. You'll feel less alone, and may be better able to help your grandchildren. You could try:
Grandparent support groups. All across the country, groups of grandparents raising grandchildren are gathering together to share ideas, comfort, and resources. To find one near you, call the Grandparent Information Center of the American Association of Retired Persons at 202-434-2296.
Foster parent associations. Foster parents may be experienced in caring for children who've been through what your grandchildren have, and in getting children the services they need. To find your local groups, call the National Foster Parent Association at 815-455-2427.
Al-Anon Family Groups. If your grandchild's parent is involved with drugs or alcohol, the self-help group Al-Anon can be a wonderful help to you. Call local telephone information to find a local group.
Family mediation services. There may be local services, free or low cost, to help families work out agreements about the care of children. Try calling any local community centers, and also the local court that handles custody agreements, and asking if they offer family mediation services.
Today Mandy's daughter, Olivia, is a lively three year old, who's been raised since birth by Nell and her husband, Jim. Mandy lives in a halfway house for young adults with mental illness, and visits the family on weekends. Nell loves her grandaughter, but she gets so tired. Every day she prays for strength. "Sometimes I fee angry," says Nell. "We have so many worries, and money is so tight. We see other people our age who can relax and enjoy themselves, and it doesn't seem fair. But then I look at Olivia, and I'm thankful that we're able to do this. When we're gone, at least we'll have made a difference in Olivia's life."