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HOW I FOUGHT THE GRIZZLY SINGLE HANDED

MELVIN noted the time on his busted $2.00 watch. 4:19 AM it read. It always read 4:19 AM since it was broken. He knew he had to start his Christmas shopping right away. After all, it was December 24th, and Christmas would be arriving on schedule. He kind of hoped that maybe the holiday would be postponed, perhaps moved to mid February. The retailers would be pleased that there would be more shopping days left. Besides, nothing happens in February anyway, so it would break up the boredom! No dice! Christmas will take place on December 25 th, so Melvin realized that he better get his butt in gear (along with his credit cards), and cop some jive gifts, or heads would be rolling! His head, anyway!

The day was typical weather for that part of the USA for that time of year! Cloudy with a chance of snow flurries, expected highs in the mid-30's. Winds blowing from the north-northwest at seven miles per hour. Temperatures holding at 34 degrees, with humidity at--

Melvin snapped off the radio in his car. He was in the middle of driving his beat-up foreign import on the way to do some dizzy shopping! He wasn't going to turn on that squawk box until the opening of Baseball season next April --that was a few months off, though, and Christmas was less than a day away, so Mike Shannon's play-by-play was going to wait for now!

Melvin was on his way to the mall--Westport Plaza. Apparently, everybody and their Uncle Tonoose had the same idea as our hero. Zillions of folks just had to pounce to this mall to cop their jive gifts to give to their so-called family, friends, or whoever deserved to be paid off! In fact, traffic to this shopping joint was thick! Cars were backed from Manchester Blvd., and the off-ramps from 1-270 were lined with autos of all shapes and sizes. The line of cars were stuck in traffic, stretching as far back to Olive Avenue--and Melvin was one of 'em stuck!!

"..Gosh-A-Rookie.." thought Melvin, traveling about 12 miles per hour in the traffic. "..I still don't know what to give Uncle Loolie, Aunt Muriel, or even to Hepsabah.."

About an hour later, and traveling about 1200 feet, Melvin finally arrived at the mall, parking his junkmoble into the farthest space in the massive parking lot the mall had to offer.

Once parked, Melvin fell out of his car. Picking himself up, he glanced at the giant complex off the horizon as he had seen it before. This time, it was all decked out with red and green lights. Giant mechanical Santas were bobbing up and down in front of the main entrance of this king-sized shopping joint, spurting out in a robot-sounding voice, "..Ho-Ho-Ho! Spend your hard-earned cash here!..." over loudspeakers at earshattering tones. Along with these Santas were other mechanical figurines decked out in red and green outfits. These other figurines were mainly some licensed characters from whatever property was hot at the time, either from a cartoon, TV series, feature film, or from whatever source the mall had paid to use. The message was still the same. Spend 'till you go broke!!

Melvin starred at the outside of the mall for another moment, trying to get some courage up to enter the hallowed halls of shopping, just to cop some jives gifts he had been worrying about since that afternoon. He would only stand outside for a moment before entering. After all, it was cold, damp, and cloudy. There would be a chance of snow flurries, with highs in the mid-30's. Winds blowing from the north-northwest at seven miles per hour. Temperatures holding at 34 degrees, with humidity at-

Melvin snapped off the radio in his car again. Every so often, he would forget to turn the radio off before he would leave the car parked somewhere. He used to figure that instead of getting some overpriced auto alarm system that only goes off by itself at 3:00 AM, waking up the entire neighborhood, but fails to operate when somebody is actually stealing the car, he though that if he left the radio on somebody would think that someone would be in the car, and then it wouldn't be stolen. He learned that trick doesn't work, since anybody can see inside the car, and if nobody's in the car, then nobody's in the car!!!. Melvin wasn't concerned in expensive aftermarket auto accessories that moment. He was concerned in copping some jive gifts!!

After walking across a sea of parked cars in the lot, Melvin arrived at the storefront. He glanced up at the massive facade of the building, seeing those red and green lights, bobbing mechanical Santas, and assorted licensed characters. In front of the entrance of the mall, a man (or was it a woman??). stuffed in a shabby Santa outfit was standing next to a rusty black pot, ringing a bell for donations to the Salvation Air Force. People whizzing in and out of the mall were throwing coins or whatever into the pot, hoping that their donation of coins or whatever would make this guy/gal stop ringing the bell and have some peace'n quiet!!

Melvin heaved a sigh, and dashed in the mall. He still had the slight hope that some store would have some jive gifts that he could cop.

As expected, the mall was loaded with people. They were there for the same reason that Melvin was there; to cop some jive gifts!!

Everybody was scurrying about, shopping for some rip-roarin' junk they wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole any other time of the year! Over at Famous-Barr, the scene was total chaos. People were grabbing any and all crap that the store had to offer. At the cosmetic area of the store, some cologne called "Eau De Oui-Oui Paris" was selling at $24.95 (plus 7% sales tax!). Folks were snatching this stuff like fools! They didn't care that this "French" cologne was really made by Acme Consolidated Industries of Nutley, New Jersey, and smelled like bug spray (maybe because it was bug spray?), but they were buying it, boy-howdy!! In the clothing department, pairs of mismatched unisex socks were flying off the shelves at $17.98 a hit (plus tax). Over in sporting goods, collectors' editions of baseballs with genuine signatures of Manny Pandanceski--assistant bat boy for the St. Louis Cardinals were selling at $21.98 a ball (tax not included). Demand for the baseballs that would later wind up on some sap's mantel was so great, a stock boy was signing more of these baseballs with Manny's name, only to have some greedy shopper grab it from the stock boy's hand before the ink was dry!! Melvin was a witness to all of this hullabaloo. What made things scary was the fact that he had to go through a buying frenzy, too!

Melvin was overwhelmed! Christmas morning was just a few hours away. He just couldn't think of what would happen if he had to face his Uncle Loolie, Aunt Muriel, and Hepsabah and tell 'em, "..Sorry gang! I got you a big-time load of nothing!!". This wasn't going to happen, Melvin thought! He was sure that he would have something so their whims would tide them over until the next year! Melvin had to keep his confidence! After all, it was the season of giving. It was also the season of greed and profits, but that wouldn't be of Melvin's worry that moment!!

Seeing the buying frenzy going all around him, Melvin's confidence that he thought he had was slowly withering away. Total strangers were quickly getting into hock left and right, buying such things as electric banana mashers colored in poppy red for $69.95 (plus tax), designer dress t-shirts with Don 't Call Me Blinky printed on them going for $24.95 (plus tax), and not to mention those seersucker wedges--a holiday favorite!

Melvin knew that his challenge was challenged. He dreaded the thought that he would leave the store with nothing but dirt on his hands! His mission of copping some jive gifts would be a failure, and everybody on his shopping list would be tee'd off bigtime!!

"..Maybe I should run away so nobody would find me!!.." he thought, already planning an escape route. "..I'll flee to Cleveland, become a gas lamp lighter, and I won't have to worry about buying gifts for anybody again!.." That idea would already be shot down! Melvin knew that he couldn't just run off to Cleveland to become a gas lamp lighter. He would be the only gas lamp lighter in town, and somebody would blow his cover!!. He just had to face the music. In fact, he did face the music--folks were grabbing the latest release from that Grammy-winnin' 'artist' Eugene Cornblatt called Eugene Cornblatt Sings Chopin's Greatest Hits for $11.95 cassette, $16.95 CD (plus tax, or course!)

Melvin began his slow walk toward the door leading into the massive parking lot outside. A light snowfall was starting, coating everything outside with snow (what else??). He was just a few feet from the door heading to the current weather conditions, when he noted from off to the side, a small table with a sign perched upon it reading Sale Today Only--One Dollar (plus tax). Melvin noticed this sign. "..One dollar??.." he thought. "..That's neat-o, and there's not a soul around!!.."

He was correct! There wasn't a soul around. With all of the other counters at the store flooded with folks buying things like chipmunk enhancers for $49.95 (plus tax), nobody, and we mean nobody, was at this table!

Melvin scurried to the table to see what was available for a dollar (plus tax). A petite (size 8) saleswoman wearing the standard issue Famous-Barr salesperson uniform (with a big-deal smile to boot!), appeared out of nowhere and spoke in a squeaky high-pitched voice in the key of 'C',

"..Hi! Welcome to Famous-Barr. My name is Amber Whitney-Tiffini. How may I help you?.."

Melvin, startled from this massive attack of cuteness, said to the salesperson, "..Uh..well Miss Tiffini...l was just looking at--..."

"..My name is Amber-Whitney-Tiffini Kablowski, but you can call me Tiff! How can I help you today?.." she chirped, still grinning a smile that would make ColgatePalmolive proud as punch!!

"..I wanted to know what was selling for a dollar.." Melvin replied.

"..Plus tax.." added Tiff, not missing a beat.

"..Yeah..plus tax.." Melvin noted.

"Well, we have a scrumptious buy! It's the ideal gift for everybody on your holiday shopping list.." Tiff pulled out a plain shoe box sized cardboard container. -The box itself had a cover, and that was it. No markings, no wrapper, no nuthin'!!

Melvin starred at the plain white box for a moment without saying a word. Then he spoke. "..That's neat!.." he responded. "..But what is it?.."

"..You just have to look in the box to see!!.." Tiff squealed, already shattering Melvin's ears!

Melvin was a bit hesitant in opening the box to take this peek that Tiff was pitching to him. Maybe the box contained some overpriced whatchamacallit. Maybe it had some unmentionable unmentionable. Or maybe it was a--

"..You have to see what's in the box.." Tiff chirped, almost to the point of reminding Melvin that she was working on a commission basis, and she had to close the deal!!

Melvin opened the box slowly, peering inside the container without fully removing the lid. Once he saw what was inside, he smirked a grin on his puss--the first one of that day!

"..And this is selling for one dollar??.." Melvin asked.

"..Plus tax!.." added Tiff, still smiling than ever.

"...Great!!..." said Melvin with a smile on his face!! "..I'll take it!! Can I get three of these??.."

"..Sure!.." sung Tiff in her high-C voice.

Tiff grabbed three of these boxes, and placed then in a standard-issue maroon Famous-Barr shopping bag.

"..That would be three dollars--plus tax!.." Tiff said, squeaking in a higher tone of voice than ever before, holding that big grinning smile to boot!!

Melvin handed her a five-dollar bill. Tiff handed him his change, a receipt, and an application for a Famous-Barr charge card.

"..Thank you for shopping Famous-Barr.." squealed Tiff. "...Your Uncle Loolie, Aunt Muriel, and Hepsabah will be very pleased!.."

Melvin, with bag in hand, turned away to leave the table, the store, and the riot of shopping at the mall. He stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly to Tiff still standing at the table, and replied "..How did you know about my Uncle Loolie and all..?

"..Happy Holidays.." responded Tiff, still with a very cutesy smile on her face.

Melvin, finally relieved that his mission was accomplished, bolted out of that store, and into the parking lot where his beat-up import still remained. He drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell, and (luckily) caught 1-270 under cloudy skies and 34 degrees.

Christmas morning arrived on schedule. Melvin would spend the day at his Uncle Loolie's joint located somewhere in west county. This Uncle Loolie lived in a medium frame house he has lived in since 1960. He kept the same furnishings, too, loaded with George Nelson slat tables, Charles and Ray Eams chairs, with a couple of Eero Saarinen pieces thrown in for good measure!!

Melvin's so-called family and "friends" were all there, too! Among the rest of the strangers were his Aunt Muriel and Hepsabah. They were there to perform typical holiday nonsense and related antics, just like zillions of other families (or equivalent thereof) seem to do during that time of year all over town.

After feasting on leftover turkey saved from that previous Thanksgiving, it was time for that moment to fob off the loot that everybody brought for everybody. That 'everybody' got something or another. Eugene got his Les Paul guitar, (lessons on how to play that thing will be given to him next Christmas), Jennie received more pie tins to add to her collection of over 12,000 (at last count), Gertrude was given a combination bicycle pump and cigar clip, and Tony got a book of gift certificates redeemable for bail bonds.

Now it was the time for Melvin to do his thing--give his gifts. He knew that Uncle Loolie, Aunt Muriel, and Hepsabah would be waiting with bated breath to get what's coming to them !

"..Well, Boy!.." yelled Uncle Loolie, chewing on his wad of Cut-Plug, "..Lemmie start grabbin' the goods from ya!!.."

Melvin responded with glee. "..You betcha, Uncle Loolie!! One Christmas gift, comin' right up!!.."

"..Don't forget us too, like!!.." said Aunt Muriel and Hepsabah in perfect unison.

Melvin grabbed three brightly decorated boxes, and handed them to the trio.

"..There ya go!! Enjoy'em!!.." said Melvin, knowing they would all three would really enjoy what's waiting for them!!

The three looked at these boxes for a moment, waiting for something to happen. Of course, nothing would happen unless they open their gifts.

The clan realized that they had to open their gifts, 'cuz nothing would happen otherwise!! They then lifted the loose fitting lids from the box, each of them staring to the inside of their own box.

"..Hey!!!.." yelled Uncle Loolie. "..'Taint nuthin' inside my box, boy!!.."

"..Ours, too!.." said Aunt Muriel and Hepsabah, again in perfect unison.

"..Of course there's nothing inside your boxes, because nothing was placed in them!.." said Melvin gleefully.

"..So what's this empty box thing?.." demanded Uncle Loolie, still holding his empty box and chawing his fill of Cut-Plug.

"..Yeah!! What's the scoop, droop??.." Aunt Muriel and Hepsabah added, still in unison."

..Well..", Melvin responded, "..This season, instead of giving you some item that you don't want or even need, I thought the best gift I can give to you all is the wish of peace, joy and love for this year, and every year onward!.."

Everybody in the room fell silent, realizing that Melvin had a point to the season.They also realized that this short story had the sappiest cop-out ending that this writer could think of!!

Don't forget to pay all of your Christmas shopping bills on time this January!

The end?

SMALL PRINT DEPARTMENT:-This story (C) 1997 Linear Cycle Productions. All Rights Reserved. No part of this story may be printed, distributed, or told without permission of Linear Cycle Productions. This includes performances around campfires, coffeehouses, or reform school recitals. Don't mess with us, boy!!